ARCHIVED FORUM: Gurdwara Tapoban Sahib
Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Jaspal Singh
Date: 7/27/2004 6:14 pm
Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa
Waheguru Ji ki Fateh
I know wut I am doing is wrong, but I am married for 2 years now, and my ex-gf who I left to marry my wife, is kind of back in my life.
I dont wnat to call her but i cant help myself, I know wut I am doing is wrong, and I need to stop.
Can sangat share some expereinces similar to this one, and wut should i do to get our out of the picture and continue on wiht my marriage.
Dass
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : !
Date: 7/27/2004 7:33 pm
This may sound awfully rude, but you're disgusting and you seriously lack respect for your wife and I doubt she deserves to be treated this way by you. There are those who can't remain faithful to a girlfriend or after being engaged, but you have been bound to your wife not just by your word or by the mere understanding that you'd be faithful to her, but through an Anand Karaj (I assume you had an Anand Karaj). If you have no respect for your wife, that's unfortunate, but if you have no respect for your Guru and the sanctity of the process by which you became husband and wife, then what can anyone here say to you?
The excuse of "I can't help myself" is pathetic. It really is. You have control over what you do. You choose to call your girlfriend. It's a conscious decision you make whenever you do it. The phone doesn't dial itself and forcefully attach itself to your ear, nor do words spew forth from your mouth uncontrollably. You do what you do and you say what you say, because you CHOOSE to. You can stop calling your girlfriend if you CHOOSE to and WANT to, but maybe what you need to do first is figure out if you even care for your marriage and your wife at all. Maybe I'm just naive but I can't imagine any reason for anyone to talk to an ex-gf/bf after marriage other than if you have absolutely no respect for your current spouse. If I were in your wife's shoes (and thank God I'm not!), I'd rather have you leave me than disrespect me in such a horrible way. No one deserves to be treated as you're treating your wife.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : me
Date: 7/28/2004 2:40 am
for '!'
i hope you never have any bad situations come up in your life, it seems you have a lot to learn of life. i am sure that if jaspal singh could stop he would stop just like drug addicts etc.
mercy and understanding where have they gone?
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Jarnail Singh Arshi Gyani
Date: 7/28/2004 5:26 am
waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh.
this is just lust - pure and simple. Guru Ji's HUKM is do not go near someone not your wedded even in your wildest dreams ( that will turn into a nightmare later on especially when you have children !!!)...
Read Guru nanak in Sri Raag....Lakh isterian bhog..... the pleasure you get from even a lakh 100,000 "girlfriends"...are nowherewhen compared to Naam- pleasures.....
Just let go.
Dass Jarnail singh
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : ...
Date: 7/28/2004 6:52 am
Jaspal Singh...
You havent gone in to too many details (understandably), so I wont judge you just yet, as I do not know what you have done.
If the situation is that your ex-gf is just calling you in order to get back in your life, I would advise you to be honest with her and your wife. Tell your ex-gf that you are married now and to leave you alone, because if you allow her back in your life, things will get much worse for you. Tell your wife, if you havent already, that you had a gf before your marriage, and that she is trying to get in contact with you. Tell her that you told your ex not to bother you anymore. Trust me, she will be upset, but she will appreciate your honesty, and will trust you even more so. Be open, honest and direct with everyone involved. The sooner you deal with this the better.
If more than that has happened between you and your ex....(i.e.) you have spoken with her behind your wife's back, you have met with her behind your wife's back, or worse cheated on your wife, then I'm sorry I cant help you. But I'm hoping that this is not the case.
Whatever you do decide to do in this case, make sure that you respect your wife's feelings.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Mohan Singh
Date: 7/28/2004 7:54 am
I hesitate to use hte word "Paji" but "Paji" you are a complete and utter Paapi. Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to sort yourself out now, block our your girlfriend, go infront of the Panj Pyare for forgiveness. If you are not Khalsa you need to start preparing and sort your life out. This is very very serious, do not underestimate the importance of your actions, and do not underestimate the severity of Jaamdoots blows on your skull in the afterlife.
Gurfateh, I hope this was of some help.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Tony Singhprano
Date: 7/28/2004 12:20 pm
you have no respect for the institution of marriage and lack the basic morality that governs the human race..... the same goes for your trashy "ex girlfriend".
your thought process is pathetic, your acting like a 16 year old high school "boy", instead of a responsible married "man".
Tony Singhprano
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : P Singh
Date: 7/28/2004 2:11 pm
Put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you like it if she had the same pathetic excuses as you?
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : GABROO KHALISTAN DAH
Date: 7/28/2004 6:10 pm
why did u marry her then?
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : 2sense
Date: 7/28/2004 8:17 pm
Waheguru ji ka Khalsa
Waheguru ji ki Fateh
I can't help but wonder if all the put downs of your character help you at all with your problems. It seems like you your self have already admited that you feel its wrong and feel helpless before it
I'm guessing you are dealing with a lot of shame and a great overwhelming struggle.
Rather than call you disgusting I feel it is admirable of you to be so brave and to come with so much courage to put yourself in front of others and ask for help.
Unfortunately it seems as you will get very little genuine help Scorn Yes Fear Yes Compassion very little, much less real tools to help you develop skills needed to deal with your struggle.
You don't say much about your relationship with either your wife or fromer girlfriend except for one thing. You gave up this relationship once before in favor of marriage. I can't begin to guess why, only you know the reasons you made that decision (maybe from external pressure) But what ever it was at the time you seemed to think it was your best option & best choice.
What ever your reasons, however you arrived at your decision, I'm guessing the factors are all still valid today, maybe even more so now then when you made them
I understand that you have an unresolved attachment to the girl you did not marry. That you do not yet possess the strength to manage it is clear. Yet from what you have said, you still wish to honour and respect your original decision. But you are having incredible difficulty just now doing that.
What you need to do is take a step back to reassess your situation. Feelings are irrational and you must have a rational mind in order to meet this head on.
Belittling or shaming is not going to help! But know this. If you can find the strength within your self to over come this, it will help you now and in your future. You can see the direction you are now headed in to be ruinous if you care at all for others opinions.
When faced with the instant gratification of a phone call remember your long term goal is sucessful marriage and happy family life. Now counter the urge to call by making a more immediate goal which will serve your longrange plan such as you can manage for present. As soon as you reach that goal make another.
Break it into managable times, depending on your level of desperation.
It's ok too love someone but it's not okay for either one of you to let it ruin your lives and the lives of others. If appropriate share this with the other party and inform her NOT to call you anymore get and make promise not to call again.
When you feel overwhelmed, like you have to pick up the phone
instead wait before you pick up the phone, then wait some more
1/2 hour
1 hour
until tomorrow
until next week
until next month
for the rest of this year.
Until you have your first child
Until you have your second child
Unil they are 18
until they are married
Meanwhile Join a support group- there are such places on line where you can go and tell how badly you want to pick up the phone and talk about it rather then doing it to other people with the same struggle who have made a similar chioce and are struggling to maintain their desicion.
Or come back here and say ok I managed to get through today, this week , this month, this year.
But don't try to do it all alone. You, We have a Guru Who is POWERFUL where we are weak, Who is succesful where we fail. Do ardaas begin a sehj paath, do some extra bani. This is a life preserver when we are drowning in this worldy affairs. Grasp hold of it and float in Gurus lifeboat.
And know that you are not alone. There is not one soul on this earth that does not have some weakness. Read gurbani, even the writers of our very own scriptures called out to God their weakness failings remorse like we in doing so they got immered in HIS love. This is the way out of worldy love!
Now try to do some extra kindness for your wife. Everyday find a way to show devotion honour and respect. Thank her for being part of your life which is so very important to you. Focus on her. Look at her light. Over look her faults and praise her attentions.
This may always be a problem for you but you can overcome it one day, one moment, one breath at a time.
God bless you!
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Nick
Date: 7/28/2004 8:29 pm
From an old school guy, veerji, your married get over it.... Live your life...
And talk with your old gf, say I dont' have feelings for you, if you do then divorce your wife.. Simple as that..
Do whats in your heart...
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : khalsa
Date: 7/28/2004 9:00 pm
Tell somebody what your doing and face up to your problems. Its good you came on this message board and asked for help, but you should also let somebody know face to face.
Whatever area you are in, go to some gursikhs and let them know EXACTLY what you are doing. Then see what they have to say. Or find one gursikh that you trust and let them know.
If you really love your wife, and you love your guru then you will do whatever it is possible in this world to stop yourself from doing this MAJOR mistake.
Think to yourself the pain your wife will feel when she hears of this. If you have any kids, think of them.
Spend more time with your wife. Do sewa with your wife. Do paat with your wife. Do EVERYTHING and spend all your free time you have with your wife. If you and your wife are having difficulities or problems, do ardaas and try to talk them out.
SIT down and do paat with your wife!!
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : noone
Date: 7/28/2004 9:13 pm
I think it's great that you recognize that what you're doing may be wrong and that you need to get advice, and I think you've come to a good place.
Don't be disheartened by all the people who say you're wrong - it's easy for them to point fingers at you even though they don't follow what they preach..
Anyways - "2sense" has some good advice. I think it's easy to give in and it's easy to feel these temptations, but if you keep on calling her or talking to her or whatever (your ex-gf), your life will seriously get screwed up. Everyone will eventually find out who you are, and things will get horrible.
If you're just "bored" with your wife and you are physically attracted to your ex-girlfriend, then it's probably just lust, and you need to re-think your priorities, do ardaas, and try to go to sangat and do paat. Try to stay in the sangat of good people or at least go to the gurdwara when there are simran/keertan programs going on, so you can engage in that. You should also try to do seva, especially of the shoes of the sangat, because this will clear all your doubts.
LIFE IS SHORT and we should NOT hurt the people we love, like our husbands or wives. If you're not happy with your wife, you should talk to her openly, try to understand her, and try to spend more time with her. You should make your relationship with your wife stronger, and tell your ex-gf that you are married and can not do this. DON'T LET MAYA RUIN YOU and control your life - you need to become the Singh that you are and throw Maya on to the ground.
Hopefully some other gursikhs will post
PLEASE UPDATE US on what you think and how you feel !
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Summink 2 Think About
Date: 7/29/2004 3:24 am
gurfateh
jaspal singh well done for asking for help....rather than put him down we should all be in a position to help him out and encourage him to go towards the correct way in terms of gurmat.
believe it or not, it is quite common for these kind of things to happen after marriage.....and what makes it so upsetting is that, it's ok to judge people who are asking for help but how about those who have done such things????.... ***admin cut - Please don't make personal attacks****
So instead of having a go at Jaspal Singh, please streer him towards the right direction. He's ADMIITED to his doings which is far bigger than some people that go around thinking that they can spread their kaam around to others thinking they are untouchable.
gurfateh.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : !!
Date: 7/29/2004 5:32 am
My dear bhaji,
See one god in all.
Today you (the soul) may be king , tommorrow your wife (the soul) may be king.
gurbani says :-
Bherkhari tey raaj karaweey raaja tey bhekhari
meaning the god can do anything he likes , its he who makes kings out of beggars and its Him who makes beggars out of kings
Supposing some illness befalls you tommorrow, say you have an accident and have to lie in the bed for 1 year.
Who would then be a better help for you, you know the 2 persons (souls and not bodies) i.e. your wife and also your ex-gf .
I would suggest to you to please choose whosoever you think may be better, its your life do whatever you wish to do
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : foolio
Date: 7/29/2004 3:36 pm
u shud take note of wat 2sense has said - it makes sense!
jaspal paji, do u believe in god?! becuz if u do, u will know that all this is just a test for u!! Vaheguru is testing u to see how strong you really are, and how much love you have inside of you for Vaheguru. dont fall into the trap of maya and lust. its not what life's about! it will be hard to overcome ur feelings for this woman, but please try! and u wont regret it. u and ur wife will be thankful for it. remember that in the end, everything belongs to Vaheguru, including ur body and mind ...which right now is just attracted to the short-lived pleasures of maya. try to resist it with all your might. u can do this paji, u just need that inner strength. gud luck!
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : g
Date: 7/30/2004 12:53 am
tell your ex you cant speak to her again... apologize to your wife and beg for her forgiveness
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : akj4ever
Date: 7/30/2004 10:59 am
Gurfateh
I suggest you consider the option of marrying her as well. After all weren't some of our Gurus married to more than one wife? I know it sounds kinda strange but that way temptation and sin will be out of the way and your relationship will be lawful. Also it could bring advantages! This would imply being able to make compromises and being diplomatic and everyone in the household would give up their egotistic feelings for the good of all. I used to be against this idea but I have heard of Gursikhs who have done it and it has been very successful.Maybe you should consider this option.
Gurfateh
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : :S
Date: 7/30/2004 1:58 pm
that's legal? i've heard of punjabi men divoricing their wives (like if the wife hasn't had a child or more importantly a son) and then re-marrying... and then all three live together (i personally find it rather disturbing). i don't think he could just marry another women while married to his wife.
regardless of whether of not its legal... i think its dumb.
no one would find it acceptable for a woman to have more than one husband.
this guy should get over his "girlfriend" and be a man.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : ns
Date: 7/30/2004 2:19 pm
akj4ever listen to yourself, are you mad, how dare you compare us lowly humans to our Guru Sahiban. Gursikhs who have done as you say , in my books are not Gursikhs at all. I can't beileive admin allow this kind of ba****it through the site, compared to some of the mails that should be getting through, hint hint..!!!
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Admin
Date: 7/30/2004 2:57 pm
Dear "ns",
We appreciate your concerns and agree that "akj4ever" is totally wrong. The reason why we allowed his anti-Gurmat post to go through was so that our wise readers and contributors of this forum may refute his manmatt.
Who knows how many of our lost Sikhs think like "akj4ever" person. In order to set the record straight, we approved that message by him. Now it is up to the Gursikhs who visit this site to refute his assertions.
Sorry if this hurt anyone's feelings.
Admin.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Jarnail Singh Arshi gyani
Date: 7/31/2004 10:34 am
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki fateh.
I totally agree that BOTH sides of a story should be let through..... our readers are not so "gullible" that they will fall for the wrong advice. If Admin start "censorship"...then that is an admission of defeat...and also those who are "thinking" along the lines of the censored...will keep to themsleves and do as they wish.....at least if a "censored" view is put up all can see how really silly that type of thought or action is and will stop. I call this "reverse education" ( as in reverse psychology or reverse engineering !!!)
So admin Ji: just keep the "wrong" language and easily visible nonsense like personal attacks, character assasination, flaming etc out....otherwise let everyone has his say. It makes for healthy discussion to hear all sides and make ones decisions instead of having admin make these decisions for us.
A few people "really hot under their dumallas" have written me "private " mails raving and ranting at Admin for having "rejected" their mails which they sent in "answer" to mine...and "inviting" me over to THEIR FORUMS where they claim they will give me "very good and suitable" answers...good luck...I will post wherever i like...as and when i like. For the record admin of this and many other forums to which i write frequently are not related to me or otherwise unduly favourable to me for any reason except for genuine Gursikhi and Parchaar.
Dass jarnail Singh MALAYSIA.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : g
Date: 7/31/2004 10:47 am
I dont believe any of the Gurus had more than one wife... no matter what any history says... I believe its wrong no matter how you look at it
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : 2sense
Date: 7/31/2004 3:02 pm
As a matter of fact is has been avery common thing in many cultures for men to have more than one wife and contrary to what some might believe this is more practical than merely lust based.
Through out history many cultures arranged marriages for advantageous allies. Love as a factor often did not enter the picture. Rather the building of strong families was the main motivation. Also It was not uncommon for women to die in childbirth. Plurual marriage was a strategy fo making a family unit stronger.
Traditionally men have gone to war and killed each other resulting in a higher female poplulation. The option of sharing a husband was to have none at all. This left females uncared for, or a burden on aging parents or in the postion of a servant.
In some cultures men marry sisters. These are women who already have a life long relationship established and are more likely to get along then women from different households. They helped each other with womans work. Men who haven't run a family from a womans perspective may not realize nor appreciate what this entails and how more than one female is an asset. This is a strenghthening factor in extended families.
Today instead in many western families you see a woman not only raising a familiy but working outside the home as well.
Infact our history points to some our our Gurus as having more than one wife. Why do we today want to try again to confuse an already clouded history by putting our own agenda forward.
The solution akj4ever suggested has some valid points, If the women were able to love and care for each other, rather than one of them selfishly possesing the man and one or the other of them being rejected, discarded and uncared for, it could be a satsifactory arrangement.
Someone mentioned a woman would never have more than one husband when in fact there are cultures where women do marry more than one husband.
In western society instead of adding to the family people divorce each other and have what is called serial monogamy. That is a serioes of one partner at a time. Just think how much less tramatic it would be for their offspring - if instead they were to stay together and add new members to the family rathers than always subtracting by separations every time some thing does work out suitably.
It's something to think about allthough it may cause considerable stretch in conciousness to do so.
If it's a matter of thinking you couldn't love more than one person.,parents love all their children. Married people do sometimes love other people too. Choices have to be made and it's unreasonable for others to dictate what will work best for situations people find themselves in.
Compassion will go along way towards solving problems.
We ought to keep in mind that the original poster Jaspal asked for help maintianing his marriage and resisting the outside influence of another woman. So really it is not necessary to go exploring all kinds of alternatives. Just give him support to stick by his descision.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Kulbir Singh
Date: 7/31/2004 4:31 pm
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As a matter of fact is has been avery common thing in many cultures for men to have more than one wife and contrary to what some might believe this is more practical than merely lust based.
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It is quite possible that many cultures believe in polygamy but we are talking about Gurmat culture here. As far as I know, polygamy is not permitted in Gurmat.
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Through out history many cultures arranged marriages for advantageous allies. Love as a factor often did not enter the picture. Rather the building of strong families was the main motivation. Also It was not uncommon for women to die in childbirth. Plurual marriage was a strategy fo making a family unit stronger.
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First of all it is plain wrong to have more than one spouse but even if we were to agree for a moment that you are right that back then it made the family unit stronger but realise that the times have changed now.
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Traditionally men have gone to war and killed each other resulting in a higher female poplulation. The option of sharing a husband was to have none at all. This left females uncared for, or a burden on aging parents or in the postion of a servant.
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This is what the Muslims say the reason is behind polygamy in their religion. Most men used to go out in wars and get killed. The population of widows increased greatly, forcing more than one wife for one man. Again, whether this is true or not, times have changed and there is no need for such arrangement now. Above all, Jaspal who wrote this original post is not after his ex-girlfriend because of any compassion. He is after her purely for lust. He is wrong in doing so.
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In some cultures men marry sisters. These are women who already have a life long relationship established and are more likely to get along then women from different households.
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This is the most pathetic argument I have ever heard in favour of polygamy. Now you are advocating incest? How shameful of you to do so. This just exposes your dirty mind to public. People like you should get juttiyaan (beating with shoes) in public view.
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Compassion will go along way towards solving problems.
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What about compassion for Jaspal’s legitimate wife? Don’t you have any compassion for her? What about his children? Why do you advocate bringing a stepmother for them?
How would you feel if your sister was in similar position as Jaspal’s wife? Would you accept if your brother-in-law brought more wives for himself? Would you accept if your father gets married and brings a stepmother for you?
This is a forum for discussing Gurmat and as the Admin wrote, the only reason why you post was accepted was to let other readers refute your claims and other akj4ever’s manmatt posts.
Daas,
Kulbir Singh
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Mkhalsa
Date: 7/31/2004 4:32 pm
2sense, were u in my anthropology class??? haha
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : naam
Date: 7/31/2004 5:23 pm
akj4ever is a pretty deceitful person.
he is clearly a member of the UK nang group and he masked himself under the akj name in order to carry out dishonest propoganda.
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : Mkhalsa
Date: 7/31/2004 5:44 pm
>>>>>This is the most pathetic argument I have ever heard in favour of polygamy. Now you are advocating incest? How shameful of you to do so. This just exposes your dirty mind to public. People like you should get juttiyaan (beating with shoes) in public view. <<<<<<
LOL!!!! veer jee, your too much!! hahaha
if shoe beatings are being given, i would like one too please!
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : g
Date: 7/31/2004 7:26 pm
there is no valid reason for polygamy its just lust plain and simple if you want the help of extra women in your household hire a maid... ppl get divorced because they cant stand each other anymore
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : -
Date: 8/01/2004 3:20 pm
Wow Kulbir Singh taht was an excellent post, thanks for refuting the silly comments above
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : yea
Date: 8/01/2004 4:22 pm
i say tell your girlfiriend to get married
and not come back in ur life cause you dont need her
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : anon
Date: 8/01/2004 4:49 pm
Wjkkwjkf
Everyone please stop beating around the bush, Mr Jaspal obviously has a problem with that disease of KAAM!, instead of trying to create reasons to "justify" it or make it "lawful" we should be helping Mr Jaspal in winning the ever going battle with the man. He should stop thinking with wid his pants (if he wears kacheras them then he should at least practise sexual restraint or replace them with bandar kachee if he cant) and start fighting the battle with his mind.
If u have had an anand karaj u cannot go back on the promise u have made to guru ji, immediatly mr Jaspal u should go to the panj piare and seek advice or risk having your face blackened, beaten down and smashed up in jam and other tortures which u will rightfully deserve!
Before you reach for the fone read this webpage at the very least
http://www.mkhalsa.com/lit/fightingkaam.html
best wishes for you Mr Jaspal
wjkkwjkf
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : .....
Date: 8/01/2004 5:55 pm
oh vahegurooo... i really sincerely hope those who posted about marrying more than one wife being okay were being sarcastic..
Re: Girlfriend After Marriage
Posted by : -
Date: 8/01/2004 10:19 pm
JASPAL SINGH
where are you now?
